Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
