You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
