Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Let's get the cat blown out
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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