erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
