got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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