Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
