Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize