i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
