omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
