you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
