Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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