hotel room ftw
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
