I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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