you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
