i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
