it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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