I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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