I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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