so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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