Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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