Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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