it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
