mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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