If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize