my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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