So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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