Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
