this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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