call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
being pregnant is like rehab
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
