i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
