my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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