Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
