Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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