So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
