Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
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You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
