Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize