I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
