mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
