She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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