Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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