Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize