She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
