i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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