you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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