it hurts more in the daytime
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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