An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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