We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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