i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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