i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
