I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
