i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
