hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
