cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
