just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
